Queen of my own messy, conflicting, complicated true feelings

I'm one of those people who do Morning Pages. Which means I'm one of those people who have composition book after composition book filled with scribblings. I use some torn up for collage fodder, and I recycle some. But this is new: I decided to use a few for really messy, raw, down and dirty, expressive art journaling. It's really cathartic! Visual morning pages on top of my written ones. 

I set aside four filled notebooks for this use. I glue 3 blank pages together on each side of the pages I make something on to strengthen them, because the paper is very thin. Then, I use white paint to sort of mask the writing -- not completely -- it makes for a "not a blank page" state of ready to rock and roll if you know what I mean. Few things are more daunting than a blank page! Then I throw down some color, or ephemera, or both, and see where it leads me. I go by intution, and feelings, and I don't worry about composition or hot and cool and complimentary colors and how good of a drawing I've made or anything like that. I scribble. I let things pool and drip. I use art supplies in unusual ways, and try things I've read about to see what happens (in this one, I took a drawing I made and collaged over it to remake the face, all the bits and pieces reflecting all of the ideas swimming in my head). I stop when I'm ready to stop, and it may or may not get "finished." 

On this day, I was feeling really conflicted about wanting to make art for myself vs. something I could put in the shop. I LOVE having a little dusty corner of the internet where my soul is visible to others, but I also want to spend my time trying an idea, or making something that takes a long time, or something I know I will want to keep for myself. I also feel strongly that my artistic practice should come first, and anything that seems shop-esque can go in there if they are appropriate for the shop. That being said, there are A LOT of messages in our culture about hustling, you're not an artist unless you sell your work (which I feel is bunkum and balderdash), produce, produce, produce! I live in a capitalist society and work at an art school. These poisons seep in, no matter how well you guard yourself from them.

So yes. Here are my messy, conflicting, complicated, true feelings about making art and having a shop in my messy, conflicting, complicated, true art journal which was a regular journal in a former life. As it dried, I began a strange and unusual assemblage/artist's book hybrid that will never go in my shop, but I hope to show you some day soon :) 

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